I lost my dog

I lost my dog Lucky…and I know he is never coming back.  His white puffy face. The way he would sleep against my chest at night. The howling and barking when I would play with him. How walks always turned into me carrying him. That’s all gone now. And I miss it. 

I lost my dog…and it was all my fault. I was a bad owner and life got in the way of our friendship. I didn’t have the time to take him for walks. Or play fetch. Or teach him to NOT piss on things. I neglected the basic things you do with a dog because I had my own life falling apart around me. And I still miss him. 

I lost my dog…and it hurt so much the day I gave him up. I drove there with my daughter. Tears falling down my face. Trying ever so hard not to be a big baby while the two of them sat in the car. I wonder sometimes if he knew where I was taking him. I remember giving him to the people at the shelter. Asking over and over to make sure it was a no kill shelter. The pain and guilt of watching him leave and them asking ME over and over if this was what I really wanted. God I still miss him. 

I lost my dog…and someone else found him. The wonderful little country shelter and a wonderful little Facebook page that had wonderful pictures of all the little dogs that got adopted. It took Lucky a week to find a new family. He looked so happy. He was always a charmer- a Lucky charmer – ahhh! It took him a week and he probably forgot about his bad owner and the fun we had. But I haven’t forgot him. I really really miss him. 

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The Last Nick on Earth

 

I watched Fox’s new show “The Last Man on Earth” and WOW!  In just two episodes they were able to take the whole male / female dynamic and make it funny and universal while still killing off 7 billion people!

The show poses an interesting question – what WOULD you do if you were the last person on earth?

I have thought long and hard about this – of course forgetting the clear issue I would have – the depression and lack of my wife and kids – I came up with a few things to do.  Please keep in mind these are ALL pretend!  I wouldn’t actually do ANY of these things.  That is of course unless I DID become the LAST MAN ON EARTH!

Day 1…

Let’s call this day – the day Nick let’s out ALL  most of his anger.  Sounds fitting.

*Based on my crude understanding of explosives and ability to aim a gun; I’m taking out my car first and foremost.  I hate that thing.  Don’t ever buy a car months after a breakup- you will end up regretting it more than the actual relationship. 

*I would also try to combine the above act with taking out my wife’s place of employement…I really hate that place…but again I’m the ONLY ONE ON EARTH so it’s okay!

*Blowing up credit cards and bills doesn’t seem exciting to me – BUT taking a crap on a teller station at Wells Fargo will do.

*I’d consider taking my pants off and leaving them off – it really depends on the weather at that point.  But I’m assuming it’s warm which means its naked time – forever!

*I’d like to say I would find a bigger house to crash at… BUT let’s get real – I’m staying in the house I was in with my family…that’s a sad feeling…but yea I’m not leaving my wife and I’s bed.

Day 2

Now that I’ve gotten some destruction and nakedness out of my system it’s time to get busy with living! 

*Fast car. CHECK!

*Fireworks CHECK CHECK!

*Cookies and beer – um that’s a check.

*Heading down to Denver to play some baseball at Coors field using expensive items from local malls and a NICE baseball bat. Yea I thought the destruction was out of my system too okay?  But we both know that THIS is the only way I’m batting at Coors field anytime soon.

Day 3

Pants are still missing…I have tennis elbow from all the batting…and I’m pretty sure the giant shit I took on the state capitol was symbolic of something – or I’m just super lazy (plus pooping outside seems to be a side effect of being the last person – watch the show)…list concept has turned into hypothetical journal because I’m a bad writer.  Most people have left the blog and the premiss so it’s okay – they weren’t fans anyway.
Day 43

In-between crying over lost family I continue to go to the bathroom on things.  Seems at our core humans like fire and defecating shitting on things.  We are all pyro-4-year-olds at heart…and what a black heart it is.  Screaming and laughing – I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD – has grown thin and scary.  I’ve put pants back on hoping the universe will pay me back by sending me Nikki.  That’s how life works right?

Day 138

I cut off my hand last night.  I felt like using to “satisfy” myself was cheating on my wife… and frankly my hand was giving me a funny look lately…pretneding to be crazy on a blog is surprisingly easy…that worries me.

Day 365

It’s my birthday today.  I’m still alone.  No sign of anyone.  I miss them.  My kids. My wife.  Even the fighting and crazy life we had.  It’s quiet and I wish someone would just yell at me for messing up dinner or not finishing the dishes.  This funny blog turned south quick and I wish I wasn’t alone. Well…I think I will leave the last man thing to fox…yea good idea…

Birthdays

I have a birthday coming up at the end of the week.  34…jesus even typing out that number is sickening.  34? What happened to 30,31, and 32?  I mean 1981 was NOT that long ago…the 80’s were just like a decade or two back right? RIGHT?

Of course with a birthday comes the family celebration for my birthday.  Made all the more special by my amazing wife Nikki.  I’m not knocking my wife or the wonderful things she has done – from 30 black balloons to muffins for breakfast one year (just like my grandma would make).  I mean this woman takes birthdays to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL!  She is like the Iron Chef of Birthdays.  She is to birthdays as…….George Michael is to 80’s love songs you thought were about girls but years later realized it was about a guy and it made a little more sense. 

And as sure as George Michael will probably have wild sex to the song “Wake me up before ya go go” tonight – my wife will make sure this Friday is special to me…

BUT! That doesn’t take away from the overwhelming fear and heartache from another birthday hurdling into my life! I don’t need the whole “you should be grateful you are alive!” or anything else like that!  I get it – I’m happy to be alive – I am not happy to be getting older – and to hell with the whole I’m gaining wisdom with age.  No I’m not!  I’m getting older and staying just as dumb – ask my wife! 

Getting old blows.  I told my wife that if my 18-year-old self knew I was living in the SAME town that I went to high school in – he would travel THRU TIME to kick my ass.  I’m going to the eye doctor ON my birthday – because my eyesight is getting worse.  The fuck?  I’m having a hard time running lately because my foot hurts.  Ask me about current music – no clue.  I worry about having to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom because it will ruin my sleep.  I bought a paper the other day and it was $2!  Who buys a paper?…..ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo you just read the moment when I really REALLY realized I’m old.  Know that as you finish this paragraph that my stomach is in knots and I’m really depressed – can you feel it?  Think about that time your dog died – yep you got THE feeling. 

I think it’s funny that 2 years ago I wrote a blog two days before my birthday on how I wasn’t going to let age get to me!  How 32 was going to be GREAT!  That age is just a number!  Then two years pass and I realize I’m 34 and it sucks.  I’m going to travel thru time to my 31 self and warn him quickly!  Before bedtime because I’m sleepy and no good comes from being out after 7pm.

Post-Blog – Comment – On – A – Topic – That – Doesn’t – Relate – To – My – Post
Since it was in the news and I did bring up George Michael a few times – congrats to the gay couples in Nebraska for being allowed to FINALLY get married.  My only wish would be for you to live in a state now that accepts you on a personal level as well as a legal level.  Sadly being from that state I realize that road is longer and harder than the one just achieved.  Good luck!

I had a friend once

I had a friend once in the 1st grade.  A small kid – half my height.  I think he was new to the school and his mom was a teacher.  He was clean-cut – pants with a nice collard shirt tucked in.  I remember a shirt that was red and blue with the alligator on it.  A real nerd shirt. 

 I can’t remember his name but I remember him getting bullied by a kid I didn’t like – or maybe I did – I think maybe this kid was nice to me.  The bully was the jock of the class.  He could always run a little faster than me and jump a little higher.  I know for a fact he had a grandpa that hunted bears because he wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it.  That was the first time I saw a picture of a dead animal was from this kid.  Show-n-tell of nightmares one day – “This is my Grandpa, he lives in Alaska, he kills bears”.  Yea? Well my Grandpa smokes and has a short temper – so the hell with your bears. 

Captain bear killer was giving half-pint a hard time on the playground.  Normal bully stuff – pushing, name calling – standard stuff.  And for whatever reason I stepped in and asked him to stop it – I remember trying to defuse the situation so he would calm down and walk away but he would still be my friend.  I probably brought up his murdering grandfather or sports or some shit. 

BK walked and HP thanked – which lead me to telling him that if he EVER needed help to come get me.

I wonder if I would do that now if I saw someone getting hurt while I walked down the street?  Would I step in?  Would I have the nerves to look someone down and stop them from doing that?  Would I walk away?  Why did I do it back then with no thought or worry?  And what if that kid needs help right now – do you think he is looking around going “Where the fuck is Nick right now? He said he would help!”  That’s a shitty feeling.

It’s a wonderful life

I’m a 30 something white guy from a landlocked state.  I have two kids and a wife.  I have a job that I go to each day.  I have bills, worries, concerns, and a few goals.  I am interchangeable.  There are millions of people out there just like me.  On a grand scale my life is meaningless.  I won’t crack the code to the universe or invent something amazing.  I won’t write a play or perform a song that changes someone’s life. 

With all due respect – your life and mine are pretty much worthless.  Even if humans weren’t around the universe would still go along spinning – it doesn’t need us like we need it.  Even so we play this game – at least in this country – work till we die for status, money, power, and sometimes fame.  We find purpose in the pursuit of something more – more money, more things, more power, more more more more more.  And to obtain more you need to work more.  And the more you work the more stuff you own and owe…its a horrible cycle that leads to a false sense of purpose and meaning.  “My life mattered – I worked 40 years at the same place, own a house, two cars, and just look at the size of that TV!”. 

Even as recently as December I was stuck in that mindset.  Then a lot of things happened – people passed away, life changed, relationships grew, stress never going away, etc etc etc.  And I just sat down and thought – wait what am I doing?  Why am I working towards something I don’t want – I don’t want to work the rest of my life in an office with people and paper and computers?  I don’t need or want a big house or a nice car.  I don’t need a 70 inch TV.  My life isn’t going to be defined by the number of breweries I go to or how much I party.  Why not enjoy life, do something meaningful for me DESPITE the money.  Live happy in the face of everyone else working away for something they think they want.  Because in the end, if all of this doesn’t matter then at least I should enjoy the ride. 

Here I am – on this cosmic cusp of enlightenment.  Too poor to let go of the corporate word.  Too dissatisfied with my life to continue down this path.  A weird economic limbo that I fear most of us are living in – even if we are aware of it or not.

Maybe I always knew I didn’t want this kind of life because of that horrible question everyone gets asked – what do you want to be when you grow up?  Huh? Want to be?  Why do I have to BE anything?  Why can’t I just live and see what happens.  I don’t want to BE something.  If I am SOMETHING and I don’t like it then am I stuck? Where does the BEING end?  Can’t I just DO something…like EVERYTHING…and see what happens?

Why not ask yourself instead – what do I want to do next?  Don’t worry about being something or someone – don’t stress about the job or the car.  Just live for the moment and the adventure that is you.  If we start asking what we want to do NEXT then maybe we won’t get stuck in office hell, or burger hell, or dead-end relationship hell, or 5 kids and no spouse hell, or struggling teen hell.  But I really should stop writing – I have to get ready for work.

The Rules

It’s FRIDAY! Which means it’s DATE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank little baby jesus!  The wife and I have been waiting a looooong time for this – a night to ourselves where we can get wild and crazy and maybe I will get drunk!

And as I dreamed about going out tonight I had the same thought many men do across the country – wouldn’t it be great if the wife and I went to the STRIP CLUB!  Oh how wonderful would that be?

But before you grab the wife and head off to the most wonderful place on earth you need to know a few rules.  These rules are meant to maximize your fun no matter who you are!

So listen up guys!!!

hangover

The Rules:

  1. You are not going to take the stripper home!  This is the rule EVERYONE tells you – the stripper is not going home with you.  Yea it happens, yea there are girls out there that strip and then they find a way past rock bottom.  But for every story of some bro snagging a “dancer” – there are 1,000,000,000 more stories of the exact opposite!  Let it go man!
  2. The stripper does NOT think you are cool/sexy/funny/amazing.  I have heard it all and said it all in a strip club.  But when one of them plops in my lap and tells me how cute I am, the only thought running across my head is “Should I get another drink or talk to whory-mcwhore?  Call me cute and funny girls – my last $100 is going to rent!
  3. Don’t touch – unless she tells you – then touch touch touch!  People that haven’t been to the strip club a lot or ever will say “Yea you can’t touch the “dancers” you will get kicked out!  And to a point this is true.  The girls on the main stage are no touchy touchy.  But you are kidding yourself if you think that rule applies all the time.  If you get a private dance and someone asks you if you want a “Kansas City Dance” fucking take it!  Also if they say its ok – and they will – just go with it and play it cool.  But don’t go crazy – these are still technically people and as such you can’t treat them like your personal doll.  Just know as you are grabbing her tit – later that night she will use them to breast feed her newborn baby.
  4. Don’t be that guy.  There are three types of guys in a strip club – I am one of the three.  The first one though is this fucking guy.  The creeper.  This guy either comes alone or with a group of weirdos.  They don’t say anything, they act all cool with a straight look on their face, and the strippers fucking hate these guys!  No one wants to go to work, especially in the “entertainment” industry and run across an audience member that is cold and unfriendly.  I really do think this is the majority of guys out there.  They act all cool and mean – chicks love bad boys right? Jesus…listen the bad boy cold stone like act is getting real old boys – stop – for everyone’s sake.
  5. Or that guy. Or the “MAKE IT RAIN” guy.  I get it – child support is all paid, you gave your mom $200 for rent and it’s time to party.  But you and your “boys” picking up $500 in ones, placing it in a Nike box, and heading to the club is not going to win you points with the girls, your friends, or the people around you.  I’ve seen this happen several times and each time it’s always funny!  The guys pick a spot to “chill” and then when they see a “dancer” they like – all hell breaks loose.  Before I get into the act of “making it rain” – I would like one of you to tell me why a flat billed cap, gold chains, and shitty clothes are stylish? I hope you get fired from Wal-Mart and you baby’s mama leaves you – tool.  But making it rain might be the best justice ever served in a strip club.  Because as these cock gobblers are tossing around 1’s – the stripper is grabbing this money like fat kid in a candy story!  Then, and this is the best part – then the stripper takes all the money, the song ends, and she leaves! SHE FUCKING LEAVES! Do you know why?!?! Because you just gave her $500 in 3 minutes and she KNOWS YOU ARE BROKE NOW!  Game over.
  6. Be unique!  This is my best advice and goes into type three guy.  Be unique and happy. Smile, joke around, have fun!  It’s the Disneyland for adults with no soul!  I like to bounce to the beat of the tits, or build castles made of $1s, or tell the stripper something funny.  One of my favorite stories is during a private dance in which I laid it all out for the girl – I said I know you want my money, you know I like your boobies, let’s have some fun.  And then said that I figured she had heard just about every line and comment under the sun!  She laughed and agreed – saying that this job came with a lot of weird stories and stranger admirers.  I bet her I could say something she had never heard before if she gave me another dance ($50 a pop).  She agreed and before she could react I leaned in and whispered “You have wonderful hygiene!”.  I got two dances for that one!
  7. The waitress is your friend.  If you are hell bent though on picking up a girl at a strip club (something I am proud to say I have NEVER DONE!) – then your best bet is with the waitresses.  These girls are undervalued, under-loved, and probably pretty sick of the shit they see from the whores on stage.  So joke around, be nice, and flirt with them – if nothing else you might get a free drink or two!
  8. Don’t wash it off.  Once the night is over and you are poor again – the only thing that will remain is the sweet aroma of the stripper.  It’s a unique smell – like a cross between baby oil, Victory’s Secret perfume, and desperation.  Sometimes you might even get some glitter on you.  Just let it be man – go to bed with the sweet smell of your money gone – because when that is washed off you will have nothing left but great stories and a broke ass bank account!
  9. Wife-centric rule – let it be!  This is my final rule and one I had to learn the hard way!  When you are able to take your wife to the club please PLEASE let her do what she wants!  Let her have fun too!  Don’t insist on going with her for a private dance – if she wants one on her own at first – fuck it let it go man!  Let her run wild in a field of hookers and sluts!  Because if she has fun then you are coming back.  But if you are an asshole then you end up waiting forever to go back and writing blogs about rules and shit.

People I hate at work

It’s Thursday – the whore of all days.  Not good enough to be a Friday are you ya slut!

As I sit here ready to start drinking my sorrow away I pause, what’s that? Is that the faint sound of a moron?  We all work with them – a unique collection of personalities.

office

This list is NOT about anyone particular – it’s a collection of generalizations I have gathered from ALL of my jobs.  If you read this and think – that’s me – please know – it probably is.

  1. The drunk: This person comes in many forms – they might actually drink at work which I’ve seen, or they get smashed at company events and hit on anything with a pulse.  The drunk will sometimes be the party person but not always – depending on how bad their life is going.  Look for the drunk to take naps in cars and come in late each day.  Also drunk person could turn into suicide person or I’m going to take all of you hostage person – watch out.  Danger to ruining your day: 5 – depends if their drunken rage spills over onto you.
  2. The whore: Ah the office whore.  Could be a dude, could be a girl – either way this piece of shit is looking to get their marbles off using the company talent.  I really hadn’t run into one of these until I hit the call center environment – holy hell those phone jockeys like to sleep around!  If you are reading this and work in a call center then do me a favor, stand up and look around for – oh I don’t know – 3 seconds.  Did you spot a whore? I bet you did! Danger to ruining your day: 1 to 10 – it really depends if you are a target or not.  Best bet is to tell them they are ugly and to shut the fuck up!  Or call them a name like – horse face – and let it ride!
  3. The nerd:  These guys are nice, I like them.  Non-threatening, smart, and always willing to help.  I’ve been friends with many office nerds – no harsh words here – but please nerds – stop trying to flirt with the whores…it’s sad.  Danger to ruining your day: 3 – I maybe having a bad day and the nerds want to joke around – that’s going to piss me off – but not as bad as the whores.
  4. The suck-up:  I hate this person.  Not because they beat me out for a promotion or did a better job. It’s because they thought it would be ok to lick someone’s asshole to get ahead.  There is a place for people like them- politics – go there and leave me to my sub-level performance! Danger to ruining your day: Fucking 10 – These people could ruin a wet dream.  Every day they breath or are allowed to live just kills me inside.
  5. The party person:  Party person wants to go get drinks after work each Friday.  I want to go get drinks too man – but I have kids and a life and well frankly you are starting to freak me out.  Party person probably didn’t get enough action in college or high school and they want to live it up now that they are living on their own.  Party person will grow up someday buuuuut they are going to catch something in the process…from the whore. Danger to ruining your day: 0 – I ignore party person – to me they are a sad memory of a life I left behind.  Poor party person.
  6. Office spouse: The office spouse is just like your real spouse.  You talk to them about shit going on in your life, take walks with them, eat with them, tell jokes – but after 8 hours you go home to your real spouse that you actually want to see and sleep with!  Office spouses are ok – but I get yelled at enough with one wife – I don’t need two of you! Danger to ruining your day: 5 -Like any of the jerk-offs you work with – they can ruin your day.  The only difference is you may have built a relationship with them in which you can tell them to fuck off without fearing HR.
  7. Office enemy:  I always have one of these – always.  Sometimes it’s my boss, sometimes a coworker. Sometimes its another person in another department that I have never actually talked to but every time I see their goddamn face I want to run them over!  Your enemy doesn’t have to make sense – hate rarely does.  I think productivity can actually increase with an enemy.  My favorite enemies are the ones where I can openly mock and belittle – like the girl who agreed too much (and was fat – but not like sad fat but like a little chunky and she knew it and it killed her inside!), or the person with that weird physical feature, or that one asshole. Danger to ruining your day: 11 – Like Spinal Tap – the enemy goes to 11 – just a little bit more than most in the office.  This person was put on earth to ruin your day – use it to beat their ass in – in the corporate sense!
  8. The Asshole:  Which leads me to the asshole.  The asshole doesn’t have to be your enemy.  It’s just – well an asshole.  They are mean, rude, stupid, and all around a waste of space.  Their mother’s should have used longer coat hangers (Best Beer Pong Name Ever!).  Most of the time this is your boss or someone above you.  I’ve had two!  Just two – and these are the people that I wouldn’t stop to give a ride if they were on fire…or piss on if they needed a ride.  Down to their very being they are bad people – maybe their past has something to do with it – maybe they are mean middle eastern hacks who came to this country to make your life a living hell – either way I hope the two I know see each other in hell someday – right before Hitler rapes them…

Danger to ruining your life: 0 –  I hate these people I really do – but it’s not worth it – none of these people are.  Just make sure each day you go into work, give it your best, and have a reason for doing it all – I know I do.