I watched Fox’s new show “The Last Man on Earth” and WOW! In just two episodes they were able to take the whole male / female dynamic and make it funny and universal while still killing off 7 billion people!
The show poses an interesting question – what WOULD you do if you were the last person on earth?
I have thought long and hard about this – of course forgetting the clear issue I would have – the depression and lack of my wife and kids – I came up with a few things to do. Please keep in mind these are ALL pretend! I wouldn’t actually do ANY of these things. That is of course unless I DID become the LAST MAN ON EARTH!
Let’s call this day – the day Nick let’s out
ALL most of his anger. Sounds fitting.
*Based on my crude understanding of explosives and ability to aim a gun; I’m taking out my car first and foremost. I hate that thing. Don’t ever buy a car months after a breakup- you will end up regretting it more than the actual relationship.
*I would also try to combine the above act with taking out my wife’s place of employement…I really hate that place…but again I’m the ONLY ONE ON EARTH so it’s okay!
*Blowing up credit cards and bills doesn’t seem exciting to me – BUT taking a crap on a teller station at Wells Fargo will do.
*I’d consider taking my pants off and leaving them off – it really depends on the weather at that point. But I’m assuming it’s warm which means its naked time – forever!
*I’d like to say I would find a bigger house to crash at… BUT let’s get real – I’m staying in the house I was in with my family…that’s a sad feeling…but yea I’m not leaving my wife and I’s bed.
Now that I’ve gotten some destruction and nakedness out of my system it’s time to get busy with living!
*Fast car. CHECK!
*Fireworks CHECK CHECK!
*Cookies and beer – um that’s a check.
*Heading down to Denver to play some baseball at Coors field using expensive items from local malls and a NICE baseball bat. Yea I thought the destruction was out of my system too okay? But we both know that THIS is the only way I’m batting at Coors field anytime soon.
Pants are still missing…I have tennis elbow from all the batting…and I’m pretty sure the giant shit I took on the state capitol was symbolic of something – or I’m just super lazy (plus pooping outside seems to be a side effect of being the last person – watch the show)…list concept has turned into hypothetical journal because I’m a bad writer. Most people have left the blog and the premiss so it’s okay – they weren’t fans anyway.
In-between crying over lost family I continue to go to the bathroom on things. Seems at our core humans like fire and
defecating shitting on things. We are all pyro-4-year-olds at heart…and what a black heart it is. Screaming and laughing – I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD – has grown thin and scary. I’ve put pants back on hoping the universe will pay me back by sending me Nikki. That’s how life works right?
I cut off my hand last night. I felt like using to “satisfy” myself was cheating on my wife… and frankly my hand was giving me a funny look lately…pretneding to be crazy on a blog is surprisingly easy…that worries me.
It’s my birthday today. I’m still alone. No sign of anyone. I miss them. My kids. My wife. Even the fighting and crazy life we had. It’s quiet and I wish someone would just yell at me for messing up dinner or not finishing the dishes. This funny blog turned south quick and I wish I wasn’t alone. Well…I think I will leave the last man thing to fox…yea good idea…